If I could make it stop by the snap of my fingers, like Thanos did in Avengers, then trust me I would. But I can’t and believe me I have tried. I purpose place myself in such situations where I just lose sense of my goal. But what is my goal, not only have I lost sense of it but I dont even know what it is.
Self sabotage, that’s what I’m doing and honestly it’s become an redundant cycle with pretty much the same person. I’ve said before that I’m addicted to conflict and I thought I was being in my own self diagnostic zone. Turns out it true. The level of self sabotaging is now rooted deep within the subconscious mind. I do it with even realizing and then the guilt and the self scolding of “HOW COULD YOU SOO STUPID”.
Once the scolding and guilt settles, well then comes the excuses and the of the nurturing little monster in me to grow and sabotage me in more different, more hurtful ways. The ” It’s not your fault” and the ” forgiveness is key” and well you know the rest.
Personally I think I need an intervention with all 5 of my personalities, because there is no ways we doing this again in 2021. Change is needed. Its either I start from scratch or from experience. But the restart button has been activated.
We’ll let you know how that goes.